For, like 5-7 years I've been a strong atheist. This year I dreaded the passover sadder as normal but when I got there it was different. I knew I was going to be board so when looking for things to distract me didn't work I ended up paying attention to the servos for the first time ever. for most of the things I was like "hay.. that makes sens. .. that's kinda cool..." a lot of things I thought were wrong but definitely an improvement to last year. it was sort of inspiring.

then when dinner came I tried to start a few religious/philosophic conversations. No one seemed interested and I lost my momentum. talking to Zac afterwords I realize that he was trying to participate in the conversation but for some reason I registered his words as criticism and contempt. after that we talked about a lot of stupid things. some of which I tried to enjoy, others which I hated for going on when my topic had floundered. there were a lot of periods of silens too.

now I'm mad and disappointed and confused. why have they been telling me I'm a Jew no matter what if they hardly pick up the prayer book?

...I suppose they feel the spirituality where I can't... XP I'm gonna cry